On the anniversary of an already infamous event, I was digging through leads, struggling to come up with headlines, and searching for any shred of inspiration to write my first article for PILLED News. It was then that I saw a rush of similar headlines all hit my feeds at once: Charlie Kirk had been shot dead at Utah Valley University, only hours away where I was stationed. In the days that followed, a suspect named Tyler Robinson was apprehended only minutes away from me. Now, it seems like a new trove of details breaks every 33 hours, and I face the opposite problem: I can barely keep up with it all!
I have decided to throw a party at my place tonight for unrelated reasons, but this article cannot wait any longer, so as of now I am still sat here typing up this article in the PILLED coworking space behind a parking lot outside of an Ace Hardware on the front lines of St. George, Utah. Yes, a loving husband, amazing father, hardworking TPUSA CEO, purported fascist, and above all else loyal Zionist is gone, but people are missing the bigger picture: it is not just Charlie who lost so much of the precious life he had left to politics, but everyone reading this article as well.
I have researched all the possible ways that this tragedy could have been avoided, and found exactly one definitive answer. So, without further ado, here is why an activist being assassinated for his political beliefs in public means it is time to waive your second amendment rights:
Because Charlie Kirk Was A Hypocrite.
He stated that he accepts “some gun deaths” as a necessary consequence of the second amendment. Well I’ll bet that he never expected to be one of those deaths! We can assume that he felt that way because I feel like he did, which means that his death was a contradiction, and that makes him a hypocrite. So, unless you want be a hypocrite, you need to do the opposite of everything he says you should do.
Because High Capacity Repeating Rifles Were Not Invented Until 1657.
That’s right, the Kalthoff repeater, which was fed with up to a 30 round magazine, did not even exist until the mid-17th century. News spread more slowly back then, so in the next hundred years or so before the Bill of Rights was drafted, the idea of the high capacity repeating rifle had probably not even caught on yet. Similarly, the first semi automatic rifle, the Girardoni air rifle, was not invented until 1780. Even then, it only saw use in the Lewis and Clark expedition, which was actually a lot less popular back then as it is now, and the Napoleonic wars, which the founding fathers did not care about because they were not Fr*nch.
If only they could have foreseen the consequences of a High-Powered, Bolt-Action Rifle with five lethal rounds in its magazine falling into the hands of a civilian like Tyler Robinson, who allegedly used one such weapon to assassinate Charlie Kirk. Such thoughts were simply absent from their naive minds when the second amendment was written, which renders it obsolete today.
Because They Put The Safety Of Our Precious Immigration And Customs Enforcement Officers At Risk.
Every firearm in the civilian hands directly threatens the border security of our nation. Around the clock, stunning and brave ICE agents put their lives at risk to excise the homogeneous concentration of gang members, gas station attendants, farmhands, drug dealers, food truck proprietors, and auto mechanics of foreign birth who have established residency in our great nation illegally. All the while, the radical left and legacy lame-stream (pun on “main-stream”) media have colluded to prop up subversive communist propaganda like uniforms, warrants, and the conceptually weak notion of “trespassing” on Our Private Property.
Our Democracy hinges upon the inalienable right of all federal agents to remove you from your home at any moment, whether you be documented or not, or if they be with or without court order. The second amendment was a mere transitory measure to hold us over until they could wield our weapons for us, and now it is time to finish what we started.
Because Public Places Are Full Of People Who Want To Kill You.
Our founding fathers intended for low Student Aid Index (SAI) peons, naturalized citizens, asylum seekers, and a normal proportion of disarmed murderers to all share the same trains, the same campuses, the same spiky benches, the same latrine streets, the same agora, the same everything, together. Our most mentally vulnerable can be triggered at any time by someone making eye contact, lack thereof, advancing towards, retreating from, or even just sitting still in their field of vision for too long. When we fail to accommodate them, the stress we cause makes their outbursts inevitable. Now do you really think the thought of an unknown number of us carrying around concealed firearms makes that any better? Of course not.
Because The Leading Experts Agree: You Should.
We all know that political violence, like all important subjects, should be left to the experts. Not that I think we should be uninformed; I’m going out of my way to write this article for you. The is subject incredibly broad, and I’m trying to encompass the whole thing. The subject is incredibly specific, and I’m trying to meet you where you’re at. You have to be a lot more specific than I was when you read what I write, and use clearer language than I wrote with when you read it. These are the expectations you agreed to satisfy when you opened up this article on your screen. Anyways, the experts agree that 100% of gun violence is caused by gun possession, so to make that 0% you need to possess none.
On the topic of experts, relative linguistics is a cool academic subject that I found out about just last week. Someone of your SAI bracket has probably never thought of anything like this before, but imagine you were to have learned a different language than you did when you were growing up. Would you now not think in that language, in a way similar to how other people who speak it do now? Trippy, right? Believe me, you don’t want to know what I had to drop into a lake in exchange for this wisdom. (Hint: They weren’t covered in Cosmoline…)
Because You Sought Psychiatric Care…
…and now you cannot pass a background check! Haha, gotcha!! You should have just kept it to yourself instead of making it a problem for everyone else too. Not everybody wants to participate in your mental illness, whatever it may be, and revoking your right to own a firearm is a natural punishment (read: consequence) for soliciting that from us. So remember: Want to own a gun? Never call 211!!
Because Your Roommate/Neoprofriend Says You Are Nitpicking And Biased.
In the case of Tyler Robinson, one crucial detail about him is often overlooked: his extremely cooperative LGBT roommate and lover, Lance Twiggs. This private conversation between them was orchestrated, recorded, edited with Adobe Premiere Pro, transcribed by AI, and finally released by the FBI during their ongoing investigation of the murder he allegedly committed:
Twiggs: I believe that all schizophrenics and psychopaths should be armed. You must believe this too, right? I am a gun supporter, which is why I believe this, and I have decided that you need to believe this if you want to be a gun supporter too. Otherwise, you are a gun control supporter, which I am not, but I have proven myself hypocritical, which therefore implies that you want mentally unstable people to be armed, unless you are a gun control supporter. Are you going to thank me for proving this point to you through contradiction now? Why not? Do you hate me? You do! Fuck you! I am going to ^ pretend to kill you in front of your family again!!
Robinson: Wow, I’ve never thought of it that way before, but you’re right! Vehicle!
Twiggs: Exactly, now “Another gun supporter DESTROYED with LOGIC and FACTS” is what I would say next here, if I were a gun control supporter, which again, I am not, and if you were a gun supporter, which you cannot even be, because you have not even purchased one. Plus you complain when I flag you with mine at the dinner table, which is no big deal anyways because it does not belong the person who loaded it most recently anymore. Um, hello, grift much?
Robinson: You know what, it is about time that I sat my cisgender ass down and LISTENED. Thank you for educating my family and I on this matter. Today, I learned that I will have to find some way to prove to you that I am, in fact, a true gun supporter. Beyond the shallow remarks I have offered you as an armchair second amendment absolutist, I have an obligation to the people who live with me in this apartment that your parents own to tailor my behavior in a way that meets their expectations, whether that be by purchasing products, spending less time with my friends, or using my body in a way that obeys a very complex and nuanced interpretation of the sixth commandment. This has been both a very enlightening and arousing experience for me. Again, thank you SO much. Outfit!
See how rational and persuasive xey were? Xey tried to speak some sense and reason into his sour extremist mind, but it was too late. Xey even had it in xeir mind to call the police at that point, but sadly could not bring xeirself to do so in time. The implications of this poignant and relatable situation are clear: guns lead to gun violence, gun violence leads to assassination, assassination leads to death, death leads to fewer assassination targets, and that cycle will repeat itself one killing at a time, until all of us are dead. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow even, but eventually, at a specific date time and location, you will be next, and this will happen to you.
If only it were you, dear reader, in that room, wearing that concealed microphone, you could have shown Tyler the err in his ways, and convinced him to trust the experts and bring his pawpaw’s mauser to the next gun buyback. Then after that, you could have said “I win, byebye!” because you hear every word that I speak as a criticism of you inside your head. I have nothing better talk about, trust me, the me inside you, the you that only trusts yourself, and whoever else wants to come over while I am gone. Should I pick up pizza on my way home? I can stop by that place you gave a strong review at last time, no map needed! Squad car!
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