Parasocial brainrotted wagecels and wagelets alike are outraged that popular streamer HasanAbi used a shock collar on his dog Kaya to vent the frustration that she caused him by moving around in his room, thereby messing up the camera angle that he bought her for in the first place. As usual, important details have been lost in the grift and the grime, so PILLED has stepped up to report the full story. Here is what the bad actors wanted you to miss:
A cancel culture woke mob has complained that Kaya is forced to stay within an arbitrarily confined space without access to basic resources like fresh water or food. In response, Hasan has gaslit his audience to believe nothing is happening, and suggested furthermore that even if it were, then it would be completely justified, because the dog was spoiled rotten by his mom and needs to be trained more harshly anyways. What most viewers missed is that this clever performance is an allegory for the plight of Palestinians in the West Bank and Gaza, who face the same challenges and manipulative dismissals of their struggles each and every day of their lives.
PETA initially voiced concern for the animal’s well being, but they eventually realized that Israeli settlers have killed millions of Palestinian livestock animals as part of their colonization campaigns, and will do the same to more unless someone can raise enough awareness of this dire situation. The animal rights activists reluctantly acknowledged that a message which sacrifices one dog’s comfort may be powerful enough to save the lives of countless more. “Hasan is actually the performance artist we deserve,” PETA told PILLED candidly in a private WhatsApp voice message, “and probably even the one that we need right now. Kind of a win-win for us to be honest.” PETA has since stood back and stood by, but not all content creators have been so charitable:
The debate continued later in the week at a university campus debate event sponsored by George Soros:
“Now that Israel controls our TikTok algorithm, how long will it be until they control dangerous weapons like the educator ET-300 shock collar and can stop them from ending up in the hands of violent terrorists like Hamas? Is there any way I can help to speed up that process? Ideally, one with a 501(c)(3) tax exemption.”
– Emily Sanders, coordinator for the Nymphet Democrats.
The poignant and relatable appeals to fear were met with deftly controlled opposition:
“What kind of country will ours be if unassimilated anchor babies like Hasan just let their pets wander around all over the place every day like a cow? We should reward his diligence and responsibility for training her so well. In fact, we should make shock collars mandatory for all new dogs, effective some time next year. I have an uncle who can head the regulatory agency that will be responsible for enforcing this mandate.”
– Romulus Singer, leader of the Nubile Republicans D.C. chapter.
In the crowd that surrounded the speakers, protestors shouted slogans and displayed signs and banners, most of them sympathetic towards the dog:
“From The Couch To The TV, Kaya Will Be Free.”
“I Can’t Walk.”
“Kaya Didn’t Shock Herself.”
“Dogtober 7th – Never Again.”
With such negative public sentiment, we eagerly anticipate the whatever limited hangout comes next from whichever PR team / administration is holding the reigns. As usual, PILLED reached out to Hasan by mail directly for comment, and actually received a response this time:
“It’s an AirTag vibrator collar with NFC and a flashlight + I was reaching for my ZYN + it’s actually a gate button + you don’t understand dogs + you’re mentally ill + there’s an active genocide going on + you’re in a hater cult + banned + I win, byebye.”
– HabanAsi, prominent L.A. Mail Thief.
Well that clears things up! Pack up your bags everyone, we can head home now.
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