August 11th, 2020. Slated to occur for three days following August 24th in Charlotte, North Carolina, the Republican National Convention announced that due to the Chinese Virus it would be canceling the event. In addition, they announced their pick for the Republican Party 2020 nomination. Despite Roque de la Fuente, Bill Weld, and Joe Walsh cumulatively rallying a whole delegate between themselves, long time Democrat Donald Trump managed to cinch the competition with 2367 delegates. Naturally, this came as quite an embarrassment to the party as Donald Trump was known to all as an anti-second amendment big-government Democrat.
In an emergency conference, Republican leaders realized it was time for another party switch. The Democrats had forwarded the old-fashioned Corvette-driving Joe Biden, who looked good in a mask and better in shades. He commanded black votes like they were his own chattels. Hearing rumors of the party’s betrayal, Trump attempted to prove to them that he wasn’t a Democrat by going to war with state’s rights. But although federal agents were sent to abduct random citizens from every large city in the country, the GOP was not convinced.
Chair of the Party, Ronna McDaniel, had this to say, “The president just doesn’t seem to get it. We aren’t the Democrats, but we aren’t the Federalists either. We want to go back to the Republican Party of Abraham Lincoln. The party whose first president was a pen-pal with Karl Marx. The party of Teddy Roosevelt. That is why we decided our nominee should be someone more in-line with our views”…
Bernie Sanders, known for his long-time campaigning against the Democrats and in favor of the constitution, and for ruling Vermont as a socialist dictatorship, was happy to accept the nomination.
We reached out to Bernie for comment, here is his email unedited:
Dear Erik,
Thank you for all the work you do at PILLED.NEWS, it overjoys me that there are men like you fighting for this country every day.
We Republicans want the economic revolution involving the national socialization of the economy. We want in place of an exploitative capitalist economic system a real socialism, maintained not by a soulless materialist outlook but by the believing, sacrificial, and unselfish old American community sentiment, community purpose and economic feeling.
Abraham Lincoln sought to transform America into a place like no other, its people united as one in opposition to slavery and exploitation. As a nation we must all continue his fight, and only once every American commits their entire being to the rebirth of our nation: then can the narrow barricades of Democrat Opposition be crossed in their entirety and society inscribe on its banners: Make America Great Again!
We will build a new America, the Chinese Virus and the Democrat Brownshirts be damned! I promise the American people I will seize control of this worm-ridden state and cleanse it of corruption. Already I can tell the Democrats are planning to set fire to Congress, to topple the monuments of Lincoln and King. We must be always vigilant for once they do set the Congress on fire, which they most certainly will, we will have to strike them with all the force we have.
God Bless America!
-2020 Republican Nominee,
Bernard Sanders
Excited for the party switch! But when are they bringing back the Whigs?