Bernie Sanders Fails to Secure Second Place in New Hampshire Primaries.

The unstoppable tide of the democratic primaries has finally reached the feces-covered streets of New Hampshire, and it looks like Mayor Pete has this one in the bag. Unlike the Iowa caucuses, in which Sanders barely managed to capture enough satellites to secure second place, Buttigeg has effortlessly reclaimed his position by a margin of over three thousand votes. As expected, this outcome marks another huge win for the homosexual agenda, and another humiliating defeat for flyover states. 

Ever since his first failed campaign in 2016, Bernie Sanders has been gaining traction like a barnacle on a sperm whale. Unfortunately for the subject of this analogy, it looks like his sperm count is rapidly depleting. Pete Buttigeg went easy on him in Iowa, using an estimated 15% of his true power, but now it seems the time has come to Give Him The Boot(igieg)^TM. The swift outcome of their brief battle answers the age old question: What happens when an unslippable tread meets an unstickable surface? That’s right, an old man ends up back in the emergency room. The seventy eight year old candidate narrowly managed to come in second in the Iowa caucuses, but this time it seems his luck has finally run out.

In fact, Bernie supporters in my hometown of Beaconsfield, Iowa couldn’t even manage to walk the required thirty meters of barbed wire tightrope while juggling our four ceremonial caskets of bull milk, which has been part of our caucussing process for the last hundred years. They outnumbered the Buttigang seven to three, so after we adjusted for their incompetence, we were left with a tied vote. We couldn’t find a coin to flip, times are tough in the Buttibelt, but luckily we had a slice of bull butter toast that worked just as well. Fortunately, it landed testosterone side down, which gave our ten delegates to Mayor Pete, one for each of our ten premium-subscription residents. The New Hampshire election looks just as close, but without all the added turmoil of the caucussing processing we had to deal with in Iowa, it seems we have easily secured second place. That is one big W for mayor P.

The second place title has historically acted as a preview of the coming election, which obviously swings in favor of Mayor Pete this time around. Sure, plenty of people living along a certain regional boundary we laid down a long time ago just can not stand to see gay man coming in second, but in Buttigang stan territory, second has been a long time coming. After all, when it comes to the primaries, coming first is secondary. Best of luck to Pete the POTUS pride possie! Now, if you would excuse me, my toast is ready.