We’re 15 days into a new decade, and if there’s one thing we’re all looking forward to: It’s the fresh “new year” vibes that come with writing the dates wrong and all the students on break going back to school and getting off our favorite social media sites.
If you want to make sure you get your money’s worth for the last birth of a new decade you might live to see, stay away from these 10 grumps that will totally put a damper on your mood.
Number 10
Plato
Vibe check? Talk about a vibe wreck.
If you wanna get talked down to by a white guy who plagiarized ancient vedic sanskrit people of color’s philosophical works, this is the author for you. I can’t tell whether he likes democracy or not, but his views are problematic to the max.
Number 9
Diogenes
I think twitter said it best on this one…
Anyone remember when Diogenes yelled at an androgynous teen to reveal their genitals for him? Yikes…
Not to mention when he peed on that one guy…
If you wanna read some barrel-dwelling loser’s tirades, be my guest, but stay away from me.
Number 8
Mark Twain
I’m sure you were forced to read this racist’s works in High School. But, if you aren’t aware: Twain thought it was cool to say the “n-word” in his books. And he said it a lot. This scumbag is sure to make you lose hope for racial equality this next decade.
Number 7
Erik Greenfield
That’s it, Erik. You bug me at the office almost every day with your stupid “deactivated yeast” b.s. Shut up about ancient man. Shut up about your new diet made entirely of different kinds of tree bark and things you killed with your hands. And Creek, you’re a creep too. I don’t wanna be problematic, but your freaky made up religion is so annoying. The “elder gods” aren’t with you or whatever. I know you’re the only guy here who will listen to me talk about astrology, but honestly you are way too far into it and it’s starting to make me think I made a mistake by even letting you know I’ve head what astrology is.
I’m sick of you guys. I don’t want to fight “for the spirit of the world” or whatever nerd stuff you keep talking about.
Number 6
Oscar Wilde
Oscar Wilde may have been gay, but he was a white, cis, able-bodied gay who posed with a cane for clout. I don’t really know much about him but they mentioned him in school so he’s probably a bummer.
Number 5
Edgar Allen Poe
Married his cousin… Next!
Number 4
H.P. Lovecraft
Google the name of his cat.
Number 3
Bernie Sanders
There is no politician running in the democratic primaries more misogynistic than Bernie Sanders. That’s all I really have to say. If you want to be reminded about how trash men are, give him a read I guess. But it’s Klobuchar 2020 all the way for me.
Number 1
You.
You are your own harshest critic!
If you read your own work, you’re sure to start noticing every little mistake and start wondering if you ever should have even wanted to be a journalist. You’ll start crying and drinking, eating a tub of rocky road even though you wanted to start that new diet for new years. Next thing you know, Johnathan from work is gonna start texting you asking if you’re okay and when you’re gonna be able to get that important article in by that was supposed to be in last week’s edition. I hate this job so much.
Great list! I’m really glad you let me know about these grumps! It’s so hard staying away from problematic and toxic people nowadays.