Thankfully, this horrific affliction could soon be cured. This discovery came following from four frog fossils found deep beneath the murky waters of Flint, Michigan. The fossils were dated to be hundreds of years old, but not one shows a single sign of heterosexuality, as most would expect. From slippery green tip to dark nubby tail, each was as gay as a poetry slam in a San Francisco bookstore cafe. As the news rippled through the herpetology community, experts had mixed reactions to their altered perceptions of amphibious love.
Genetic reconstructions of the ancient frogs revealed that they wore vibrant and expressive pigments, and markings on their mummified remains suggest they further emphasized these traits with elaborate grooming patterns. Newer fossils, however, began to display fewer primary colors, incorporate less leather into their outfits, and exhibit social behaviors that show a clear decline in thespian preferences. PILLED news reached out to the scientific community for an expert explanation:
“This rapid cultural shift in came in response DNA methylation, which is caused by androgenic waste from chemical fabrication. Fortunately, due to declining water pollution, certain lakes and ponds have seen a sharp return in froggotry. Now, for the first time since the early 1800s, our amphibian friends are hopping out of the closet, and back into our hearts!”
– Fredrick Herman, theoretical herpetologist.
Amphibian homosexuality has actually been well documented for thousands of years, but revisionist history campaigns have all but erased their legacy. As Fredrick mentioned, during the California gold rush, millions took to the frog filled rivers and swamps in search of their shiny nuggets. Prospectors began to find clear evidence that the frogs were creative types; tiny painting supplies, Lizzo merchandise, and even frog sized platform shoes piled up in gold pans, but not one soul on the quest for riches ever paused to consider their destructive impact on the amphibious LGBT community.
Despite these brief skirmishes, the great straightening of the American frog was mainly a tragic but unintentional consequence of the industrial revolution. After all, even the cleanest coal burning factories could not resist pumping our clear, pure water supplies full of their thick, heavy mercury, it is simply in their nature. In contrast to this unfortunate product of circumstances outside of our control, homoranidaphobia presented itself in a more direct form overseas. The Russian species of homotoad, for example, was hunted to extinction when the tsar found out which way they swung. France, on the other hand, took a more progressive stance on the discovery, and as a result remains chock full of gay frogs to this very day. Their pride and bravery sends an accepting, yet intimidating, message: if you can’t hop the hop, heads will roll.
As a matter of principle, PILLED news feels obligated to recall when conspiracy theorist Alex Jones infamously announced his dissatisfaction with “[the government] putting chemicals in the water that turn the freakin’ frogs gay!” He probably feels pretty foolish watching his narrative crumble under the mighty girth of our pure facts and knowledge. As it turns out, even the biggest of bullies can stand up to smugly smirking, flamboyantly ribbiting, tadpole guzzling, medium rare peepers. Thank you for reading, and remember: never judge a toad by its warts.
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