Immunotypical people are quick to pass judgement. “Long COVID can damage your lungs for the rest of your life!” is one of many anti-COVID microagressions I have heard after catching Coronavirus. But I too was COVID-phobic, and it took a life lesson to set me straight. Maybe negative naggers can learn something from my experience, and think more positively about infection.
When the experts told me that the best way to boost immunity after getting every booster shot was to catch Covid-19 and beat it, I set to work immediately. I decided I would visit my backwards anti-mask Trump voting racist white trash cousins to catch their vile diseases.
My aunt Sheila and her new husband, Mike, were joyed to host me in their disgusting little trailer house. They clearly intended on giving me COVID from the start, because they hosted a socially non-distant get-together to welcome me back. Soon I was surrounded in a tiny dining room by unmasked conservatives.
Mouth-germs spewed as people “welcomed me back” and “asked me about my career at Pilled News”. (COVID spreading tactics). It was working. I was fooling these moronic hicks into boosting my immunity.
After a day of being within six feet of those freaks, I was spent. I couldn’t stand another minute of it. Immediately, I set back home to the safe, socially distant, hustle and bustle of the big city. I took a rideshare so I could lower my carbon footprint and ordered some non-fungible chicken from WePick’s new contact-free food-on-demand service. Home sweet home.
A week later, I was coughing.
I immediately let every previous partner from my favorite exposure-tracing proof-of-vaccination-requiring dating app since I had come back to the city know that my filthy inbred cousins had given me COVID and now they probably had it too.
My sore throat and severe pelvic pain told me all I needed to know.
I crawled back to my herbal healing specialist, who I once repudiated for not trusting the science enough. She gave me the Joe Rogan kitchen sink treatment. Ivermectin, tincture of goldenseal, some turmeric, and olive tree extract. My symptoms went away pretty quickly, and I felt cleansed spiritually.
All-in-all, COVID wasn’t that bad. Sure I forced myself to stick around my mentally deficient ape-like far right family, but knowing I was immune better than anyone else made me feel great. Besides, nobody seems to tell you that vaginal discharge is a symptom of coronavirus, which makes me wonder if Dr. Fauci even knows anything about it.
So next time someone tells me that COVID can kill, I know that it’s not something that can kill me, only scummy obese red-state nutjobs that smoke and drink. COVID is good to those of us who are good. It gives us alternative tastes, it gives us alternative breathing habits. But those who are bad will be destroyed by it. Inshallah.
Be First to Comment