Thousands Gather in the Waters of Little Saint James to Commemorate Island Native Jeffery Epstein.

Memorial services were held this week to mourn the loss of Jeffrey Epstein, the owner and primary resident of Little Saint James. Thousands made the pilgrimage to the beautiful archipelago to remember his legacy, partaking in services and activities including a candlelight vigil, live music performances, various religious ceremonies, and group sex.

Inspired by memorial paddle-outs dedicated to the Hawaii native Israel Kamakawiwo’ole, many visitors took to their surfboards to remember their friend in the beautiful waters of the Virgin Islands. Epstein, a lifelong friend of Israel, loved to be in the virgins, and many of the attractions at his resort drew inspiration from the spirit and cooking of Hawaii.

Among the higher profile guests was Tulsi Gabbard, a Hawaiin representative and democrepublicat presidential candidate. Early in the day she was spotted handing out free leis and aloha passes to the island’s guests, but she was later forced into hiding by the horde of overenthusiastic interviewers dead set on giving her airtime. One of the few interviewers to catch her alone was PILL’s own Jim Creek, but unfortunately the video footage of their conversation was misplaced during the night’s festivities.

The island’s sullen yet exciting atmosphere was like none other. The warm sounds of ukuleles and the island’s private children’s choir reverberated through the shallow dunes. Smaller performances were offered in Epstein’s personal music room, the muffled echoes of which mixed with sounds of the birds and wind to create a haunting, yet comforting, ambience. The island and the fond memories it provided to so many, much like Epstein’s own legacy, were irreplaceable.

The list of the island’s extraordinary attendees is too long to write. Andrew W.K. lead an impromptu folk wrestling tournament on the beach. A neural network trained on thirty one seasons of The Joy of Painting gave Bob Ross style oil painting lessons. Singer-songwriter Miranda Cosgrove was seen wading in the water, with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider paddling a few feet away. The PILLED staff is eternally grateful that mainlanders, islanders, robots, celebrities, journalists, adults, and children all came together to share this wholesome experience.