Top Five Drug Prescriptions for Teenagers

If you have a teen, you start to notice they aren’t exactly “normal”. Maybe they’re mopey, maybe they don’t do well in school. Don’t worry, experts out there have already come up with the solution years ago. Here are some great medications to check out for any and all of your “teen problems”. Feel free to mix and match them so each can cover the weak points or side effects of the other.

5. Olanzapine

Does your teenager not have a strong sense of self, try hard to avoid abandonment by their peers and family members, have unstable relationships, or engage in reckless behavior? If so, they’re probably in dire need of immediate treatment. They could have a mood disorder, or worse, borderline. Get them on this stuff as fast as you can. BPD bitches are annoying as hell, and you do not want one living under your roof.

4. SSRIs

In the wise words of the band “Ween”: Give me that Z-O-L-O-F-T!

Does your teen come home from school every day feeling tired? Is their appetite drastically different? Do they have trouble doing even small tasks? Do they seem to not enjoy doing things they used to do as a little kid anymore? Chances are, they’re depressed. It’s more likely than you think. 1 in 4 women are on SSRI’s after all. Many people will warn you that SSRI’s can be dangerous but, you don’t want your kids’ depression to go untreated, do you? After all, they could commit suicide! And don’t worry, they’re not addictive, just don’t stop them too quickly or your teen will have symptoms very similar to withdrawal. Don’t worry, it’s not withdrawal.

There are invisible things inside your head called hormones that make you unhappy, believe me, it’s strange, but you need to keep them under control.

-Doctor Adalphos Pharmakopolis

3. Lisdexamfetamine

Weight gain from the Olanzapine becoming a problem? This will see your teen right.

Don’t be frightened by the “amfetamine” part of Lisdexamfetamine, “methamphetamine” is how you spell the drug from Breaking Bad. Teens these days have tons of attention problems and messed up incentive systems that prevent them from getting work done, but this little pill solves it all. That “I have an honor student,” bumper sticker from the highschool will be in your mailbox in no time!

2. Isotretinoin

Is your teen an ugly duckling? Do they have spots all over their face that make you worry if they’ll be able to bring you home grandchildren one day? Don’t worry, your little champ will be the belle of the ball with these. Joint pain and vision problems be damned, you can just find some pills to treat those. I recommend some anti-inflammatories like naproxen for the joint pain, and glasses for the vision problems! For the stomach ulcers caused by the naproxen, go for a proton pump inhibitor. For the headaches and constipation from the PPIs try aspirin and prune juice!

1. Cocaine

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THis stuff is really good for depr essed teens I dont Know ‘ how anyo ne cold GO. A DAY WITHOUT IT it a GO DDAMN mystery to me! Haha!!!