Top Ten Non Fungible Restaurants

If you open DoorDash, or your preferred food delivery app, you may find that the food distribution industry is more open and inclusive than ever. Restaurants of absence without traditional front facing locations have taken the digital “feediverse” by storm.

From Mr. Beast Burger, to DoorDash’s It’s Just Wings, to Wayfair’s Cabinets of Pasta, my fridge has never been more full of leftovers. As an eatizen, it doesn’t even matter to me that I have zero idea who or what made my food, why when I search for the physical location I see a general radius of where Google thinks it might be near some warehouses and seedy residential areas, or why every other e-kitchen disappears off the face of the earth two or three days after I order from them because I am not a bigot.

It’s time to accept the new invisible face of “food service”. Say hello to “food as a service”. It’s just plain more efficient to ditch outdated and bygone traditions like physical locations and food safety inspections. Compared to legacy restaurants, Food 2.0 is not only a universally diverse dining experience every time you order, but e-gastrocreators seem to have impeccable taste in stock photos that keep you guessing, unlike the bog-standard unsurprising experience of yore.

Number Ten: Conviction Chicken

A jail-themed bird blast, mine came with a few free pieces of buckshot and bloody feathers. Don’t forget about their Vine account! Some of the best laughs I’ve ever had. I recommend the “Dropped the Soap” sauce on your wings. This fake review on their Google page said it best:

Crispy, juicy, spicy, delicious, and not to mention, huge! My mouth is watering just thinking about it. The coleslaw underneath the chicken is an excellent touch as well as the jalapeños along with it. I’ve already ordered it 3 times this week and still think it couldn’t be more satisfying. Honestly, I don’t know why more people don’t know about this, what with the whole spicy chicken sandwich craze that’s been going on. This sandwich has everything you would want in a spicy chicken sandwich. 😀

Conviction Chicken Employee Pretending to be a Happy Cluckstomer

The main thing that Conviction Chicken taught me about myself however, is that I love to eat convicted criminals. I feel their muscles are uniquely developed in a way that brings out flavor and texture. The death penalty is a cruel and environmentally unsustainable system and I’m so glad that prisons have figured out how to reduce its carbon footprint.

Number Nine: It’s Just Wings

It just fucking sucks.

First of all, an aircraft parts supplier my dad worked at went out of business because they lost their SEO to these jokers.

And secondly, out of character, their food is just genuinely actually vile. It’s weird that they call it chicken because it tastes like ass and smells like geese. Even the goddamn fried oreos were burnt to shit and inedible. Literally just a handful of embarrassing lumps of charcoal alongside putrid— You know what, I’m done writing about It’s Just Wings. It’s Just Wings, the delivery restaurant that I hope when you search for it in news brings up this article. Also the fries were bad.

Number Eight: Decor Central

To their credit, they were one of the first e-kitchen vendors online. But it doesn’t help that it’s flavorless and really hard to chew.

Number Seven: Comet Ping Pong

After a hostile environment descended onto Washington D.C. James Alephantis, the pizza mogul himself, moved Comet Ping Pong to online only. It’s quite in-line with his bleeding edge nouveau cuisine approach. It was a rough transition, at one point trained DoorDash assassins broke into their location and attempted to destroy their server infrastructure. Luckily, Comet Ping Pong has had a lot of well-deserved success online only, though it certainly courts strong competition from Wayfair. Who could forget their absolutely iconic instagram. My kids are usually too hyper to sit down for dinner, but this one had them stuck to the table. Plus, the extra potent margaritas really helped with my date.

Number Fifteen: Burger King Foot Lettuce

Number 15: Burger king foot lettuce. The last thing you’d want in your Burger King burger is someone’s foot fungus. But as it turns out, that might be what you get. A *ch*nner uploaded a photo anonymously to the site showcasing his feet in a plastic bin of lettuce. With the statement: “This is the lettuce you eat at Burger King.” Admittedly, he had shoes on.

But that’s even worse.

The post went live at 11:38 PM on July 16, and a mere 20 minutes later, the Burger King in question was alerted to the rogue employee. At least, I hope he’s rogue. How did it happen? Well, the BK employee hadn’t removed the Exif data from the uploaded photo, which suggested the culprit was somewhere in Mayfield Heights, Ohio. This was at 11:47. Three minutes later at 11:50, the Burger King branch address was posted with wishes of happy unemployment. 5 minutes later, the news station was contacted by another *ch*nner. And three minutes later, at 11:58, a link was posted: BK’s “Tell us about us” online forum. The foot photo, otherwise known as exhibit A, was attached. Cleveland Scene Magazine contacted the BK in question the next day. When questioned, the breakfast shift manager said “Oh, I know who that is. He’s getting fired.” Mystery solved, by *ch*n. Now we can all go back to eating our fast food in peace.

Number One: Mr. Beast Burger

There is no man more generous than Mr. Beast. If I had a million dollars, I would give it away just like him. Hint hint Mr. Beast. That said, if Mr. Beast were to bestow his glorious generosity, I would prefer that his charity went to my employer, Pilled news. If his delicious restaurant did a collab with Pilled news, I would literally freaking scream. Imagine the Pilled burger. Imagine the smell. Please Mr. Beast, reach out to us! I’m hanging by a thread, if you don’t you have no idea what I’ll do. After you failed to come through with the FitMC collab on 2b2t the oldest anarchy server in minecraft burger, I have had it up to here with your antics.

Every day you don’t collab with us I will throw another car battery into the ocean.