Coronavirus Cured

BREAKING

PILLED.NEWS night team just received word from correspondents at a secret laboratory in Tehran. Due to the nature of this information, we have only been able to substantiate it through a psychic polygraph conducted by PILLED’s own, Jim Creek.

Using ancient techniques discovered in the occult writings on the wreckage of Jeffrey Epstein’s Lolita Express, which crashed in the Islamic Republic just three months ago, Iranian scientists were able to develop a cure to the pandemic.

Though many laboratories were working to create a vaccine for the virus, few considered it to be the work of highly-skilled chaos magicians bringing about a plague to avenge the death of Eduard Limonov. Fewer considered it to be magically-enhanced hyperstition at the behest of the likes of Nick Land.

A vaccine is likely still a ways off, but with the proper rituals, the virus can be wielded by a medicus of proper training.

The logical deduction is that Epstein knew about the plague, due to its unreported presence in America at the time, and as part of his plans he ensured the data to stop it would be in the right hands the only way he knew how.