“Nobody likes KFC” – Clinton on Sanders.

On parole from the Ruth Bader Ginsburg Memorial Maximum Security Prison and Insane Asylum, Hillary Clinton made an appearance on CNN to issue a fatwa to her followers. Despite her sentence, she is still the rightful Neo-Soviet Islamic pope, and will continue to conduct her public affairs as such. Until recently, her only form of communication relied on establishment liberals across the country to follow her direct orders and smuggle printed emails in and out of the prison. However, due to her good behavior, and an all-time low in elections rigged by her army of migrants, her loyal subjects were able to hear her decrees live from CNN last Tuesday.

Clinton spoke with abject disgust on the degeneracy inherent in modern “Dixie Culture.”

As something of a former slave owner herself, she identified the defeat at Appomattox as the start of their fall from glory to ruin. “Until the south will readily embrace Islam, and submit to the will of Allah, I cannot in good conscience respect them as the sons of Robert E. Lee (peace and blessings upon him, of course).” Her words deftly unite her followers, who wish to return to the Islamic traditions of their Native American ancestors, and divide them from the modernist scourge that put her in the RBGMMSPIA in the first place.

The orange pantsuit-clad former-secretary-of-state went on to illuminate a few key points she wished for believers to take away with them. With a slow, deliberate sip of her Monster Zero, she began to speak what would become the words of legend. “Nobody likes Sanders,” she started, “The gravy just isn’t how they used to do it. Before, I could taste the spirit of the south in their cooking, now their chicken could just as easily be ground pork.” That last comment drew gasps from the crowd, many of whom were regular attendees of the mandatory weekly unpaid CNN company barbecue and salat. Drawing from their reaction, her words seemed to come off as an unexpected criticism of the media company.

Soon after her tirade, leaked emails between CNN executives show them frantically trying to mend the situation by opting to have a mandatory pizza party instead of a wings night. A covert PILLED operative managed to print these emails before they could be deleted from the internet, but Nancy Pelosi shredded our only copy later that week. Nevertheless, the Clintons have humiliated an American icon of our time for the last time. Release the emails, CNN, or be laughed away at the gates of Janah for your cowardice; the might of Herr Colonel Sanders will not be forgotten.