“Roughly every sixty rounds, a reporter puts on a pound” explained Sam Weston, an agricultural scientist and professor of the University of Virginia. “But, the violence is only one aspect of, well, the violence.”
One thing we avoid talking about when it comes to gun violence is journalism. It might be easy to fixate on the victims of the latest shooting, and how their families and communities are impacted. But people die every day, and everybody dies someday, so what about the journalists trying to make an honest living off of them?
Now I’m not saying I want gun violence rates to double or anything crazy like that, just like everything else I think we should find a healthy balance. In the United States, gun violence has been in continuous decline since the eighties. Remember the eighties? Neon lights and cool hair? Would eighties gun violence really be that bad today? I, for one, would be willing to at least try it out.
Sam models armed murders as part of the food cycle. “Overpopulation,” he elaborates, “is a far greater threat today than it was forty years ago.” And what changed forty years ago? That’s right, gun violence. Nobody could have seen it coming then, but in the modern war on hunger, firearms truly are our greatest ally.
Sam also wants to use his research to lobby the USDA to reclassify bullets as a food item. His concise yet compelling proof reads, “Ammunition is the opium of the people, and opium is the food of the people, so transitively ammunition literally is a food, QED.” I’m no logician, but his argument seems sound to me. In the coming months, expect to find organic, locally grown munitions in the produce aisle of a supermarket near you.
I hope gun violence ends soon! I need to lose some weight!