Tulsi Gabbard Elected Present in First Three Way Tie of Presidential Election History.

“As your present, I promise to be there for you.”

– Tulsi, during her inaugural speech.

Notorious nonwhite nonmale nonrepublican nominee Tulsi Gabbard has become the first candidate to be voted “present” in the 2020 election. A recently discovered secret amendment specifies this rare compromise, in which the most googled candidate assumes a third position when the roles of president and vice president can not be determined by the electoral college. As the present of the United States, Tulsi assumes the responsibility of being the interim Commander in Chief on weekends and holidays, the secretary of up to thirteen states of her choosing, the wardrobe manager of the CIA, and the first lady in office to not be the first lady in the office.

The amendment would carry no power if not specifically mentioned in the preamble of the declaration of independence. In the original 1776 copy, an asterisk is placed after “and to provide new Guards for their future security. *” and paired with a previously overlooked footnote in the constitution that reads “* letting command of these Guards be held by the candidate most sought by the people’s curiosity in absence of a conclusive election.” The footnote goes on to specify the power and duties of this commander in a web of several other paired footnotes. The discovery of this “zeroth amendment” has sparked excitement and horror in the legislative branch, who cannot believe that it has gone unnoticed for so long.

These markings were not copied to most of the available legislative archives, but when an original blu-ray copy of National Treasure is paused and analyzed frame by frame, the terms can be just barely made out in the scenes displaying the founding documents. The asterisk is illuminated by the subtle but commanding flicker of dim candlelight, and the amendment itself is packed into the narrow margins of the rough parchments. As for the present day implications of the language involving “the people’s curiosity,” Google analytics clearly reveals the people’s most sought search results, with “Tulsi Gabbard,” “Tulsi Gabbard debate,” and “Tulsi Gabbard feet” remaining the top three searches throughout the entire debate cycle.

The search results are completely uncontested in both quantity and detail, and therefore Tulsi Gabbard assumes “command zero” by popular decision and constitutional law. “Even though in 1776 Google analytics was only in its infancy,” clarified Ruth Bader Ginsburg in a press conference that PILLED attended, “it was not a happy accident, but the tremendous foresight of our founding fathers, that allowed these articles to remain so relevant and applicable today.” Her words foretell a rapidly approaching future, one in which Americans could sleep easy knowing our nation under the protection of a total MILF, that is, a Militia I’d Like to Form.