Tim Kaine Outweighs Bernard Sanders in Obesity Epidemic Support.

“Bernie” is often seen as a metaphorical-freudian Santa Klaus, beating the Twix out of Arians and Aryans alike, going to jail, and handing out free Snickers. But what if I told you that image is a lie constructed by the corporate media to keep Tim Kaine down – well up, uhmm, away… you’ll see what I mean.

Every American is familiar with the custom of gift-giving, usually around the holidays, when a large hairy man does it. Of course, it can take some acclimatization to get us in the mood; sometimes a regular flu might ruin the vibe, or maybe another one of our staff members misses a deadline and goes missing at a board meeting, etc. We here at PILLED usually tackle that problem using aggressive hyper-masculine cyber-counter-insurgency tactics, like contracting all the Hepatitees in alphabetical order, or by using subliminal messaging in our featured images to abduct one of your kids and turn him into a queer. But once we’re there, there is one person we can always rely on to spread the spirit of giving: Tim Kaine. We will elaborate further after we review some pharmaceutical history:

“Gift-giving” is a core part of the AYDIDS (All You Do Is Devour Sugar) candy-based weight-loss program. Specifically, it is slang term that refers to the illicit distribution of small, sweet, unmarked, orally administered pills, which were originally developed in the eighties to enhance male sexual performance. While the sexual enhancement is quite noticeable, is is only a small part of the appeal of AYDIDS; once taken, the little tablets burn off unwanted fat like napalm. In their first trials, a conveyor belt malfunction caused the pills to be classified as performance enhancing drugs, but eight out of ten out of twelve of the production runs since have been found to be completely stimulant-free. Today, AYDIDS could be our deadliest weapon in the war on obesity.

Sadly, the manufacturing mix-up prevented AYDIDS from gaining mainstream support, which was a huge bane to the unorthodox structure of its parent company. AYDIDS never intended to sell out as a over the counter drug, and was instead directly distributed to many indie “pill bearers”, who could resell their own inventory in exchange for a small investment. Still, the program’s reputation remains tarnished, and the fear that surrounds contracting AYDIDS prevents them from growing their business to this very day. The AYDIDS program founders were even driven into hiding after one of its Big Diet competitors made up some disease with a similar acronym to spread hysteria, which is known in the diet community as the Weight Watchers Incident, or WWI for short.

Now, for the first time since said incident, the remaining pill bearers – also known as “bears” for short – have set out to spread the final solution to adipositas: AYDIDS. And can you guess the name of the biggest, baddest bear of them all? That’s right, Tim Caine. By hiding out in public massage parlors and “giving” out their “gifts”, Tim Cayne and his sleuth have single-handedly caused a sudden resurgence in AYDIDS. To put it into terms youths are more accustomed to: it went viral, which is something the anti-AYDIDS Big Diet lobby is now trying to spin as a bad thing. Now more than ever, the powers that be want to keep America plump and oblivious.

But who am I, who are you? What is this thing we call life?

Anyways, Tim Kaine has secret parties for bug chasers who are all powerful politicians and billionaires, while Bernie needs to feel his wife’s vagina’s teeth to get hard, and also he isn’t a “gift-giver”. One man can only cum when his dick rests in the right pee pee hole, while the other is horny as fuck 100% of the time, and he wants to “give gifts” to us all. Speaking of which, do you have any on you? What do you mean you have none left? You promised! I gave you my son! And now he’s a fucking qu-

[NOTE TO EDITOR: FECT CHEK]

Said a spokesperson for the Tim Cane 2020 campaign when approached by PILLED correspondents outside a secret insect alcohol cave rally. Or was it a Mulvaney rally? Isn’t that guy Pete Warren’s husband? Like, definitely not the black one though. I remember that one, because I don’t think I liked his pizza. Anyways, there you have it folks. Tim Coin is actually the good guy now. Bless our troops, and our bears. And remember: AYDIDS does not contain stimulants!