How did some nitwits like us get so tasteful?
In 2020, PILLED.NEWS was but a fledgling inferential journalism organization. We knew, however, if we want 8:30’s at Dorsia on a Friday night, we would have to step it up.
See that background color? That’s bone. We’ve even commissioned a new font in the works called Sillian Rail.
We hired industry giant, Marcus Halberstram, to develop the perfect brand identity to carry our message into the 22nd century. He drew inspiration from a wide variety of sources, including classical design guidelines, postmodern neoartists, and those cool clusters of lines and circles we all see on the walls sometimes. All of that was in addition to our extensive studies in theological materials:
Now Israel loved Joseph more than any other of his sons, because he was the son of his old age. And he made him a robe of many colors.
Genesis 37:3
As you can see, Israel created what we want to finish – a visual stimulus of many colors, a new legacy for new media, and a fresh fit for our eldest son. Mother Mary came to us in our time of trouble. Speaking words of wisdom: TWO ONE THREE TWO ONE THREE TWO ONE THREE EIGHT SEVEN FOUR FIVE.
Halberstram adopted a full-immersion enigmatic approach to designing our new twitter page. He locked himself in his home in the mountains with six retired primary bulls and a shotgun for eight months. He chanted “Creation of identity; Multiple perspectives,” while he ate the heart of the first bull in his living room. The second month, he switched to “multiple points of views, one object”, but he began to hear the remaining bulls answer with “One identity multiple emotions”.
These methods might sound obscure and arcane, but he was following simple instructions from an internet tutorial:
Halberstram knew that through the creation of this identity he would give a face to a New Generation.
An infinitely dimensionalized brand. And that’s how he got started on our new logo – you’ve heard of the golden ratio, right? But there’s a ratio for every metal, non-metal, and metalloid on and off the periodic table. He started with the Bismuth ratio, then moved on through the noble gasses, finishing with the martensitic stainless steel ratio. Halberstram was able to unify the elemental ratios into one immensely powerful ratio: the philosopher’s ratio, the transcendental number that J.K. Rowling famously died trying to calculate.
Using this new ratio, he unlocked a new esoteric method, the Kabbalah 2.1-beta debug build.
“I’m in.” He chuckled to himself. Marcus began his final work. His magnum bepis. His endsieg. His masterwork.
Marcus refused to tell us what occurred in the following six months. No matter what we did, whether we threatened his collection of business cards, his daughter, or offered him more money, he remained catatonic. He adjourned our meeting, and asked to be excused so he could return some tapes to the local blockbuster.
On the table, he left behind this napkin.
This diagram explains in simple and understandable terms, how this maps to the PILLED.NEWS brand identity.
As you can plainly see, the interlinked cells represent, according to Halberstram, the infinite unending aspects of the being that is PILLED.NEWS. Permeating the universe and coagulating into the perfect journalizing entity.
Our brand DNA, of inclusiveness, activism, advocacy, diversity, outreach, synergy, return on investment, and our bottom line, is finally fully represented in our new identity. All it cost us was a lowly eight million dollars. (Zimbabwean).
So rejoice, PILLED readers. For a new age is upon us. PILLED on Earth.
Look at the subtle off-white coloring, the tasteful thickness of it. My god, it even has a writeup and design documents.
Can you guys email Marcus I want to ask if he can do a logo for my youtube channel