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Posts published in “Columns”

To satisfy their respective fixations.

Thousands Gather in the Waters of Little Saint James to Commemorate Island Native Jeffery Epstein.

Memorial services were held this week to mourn the loss of Jeffrey Epstein, the owner and primary resident of Little Saint James. Thousands made the pilgrimage to the beautiful archipelago to remember his legacy, partaking in services and activities including a candlelight vigil, live music performances, various religious ceremonies, and group sex.

Iranian Major General Killed in Minecraft.

In the early morning hours of the third of January, a US special operations team connected to vanilla.soleimanicraft.ir, the private Minecraft server of general Soleimani. Until recently the server had been whitelisted, but intelligence agencies noticed that sometime last week the whitelist had been disabled during a login server outage. A specialized team of cyber warfare experts was assembled before the whitelist could be re-enabled, and within minutes Soleimani had been reduced to a pile of items on the sand.

Single Mom Missing After Facebook Confrontation, but Honestly That Bitch Had It Coming.

Susan Rouge, an entrepreneur and single mother of two, was tragically reported missing this morning. Authorities have since stated this could be related to a series of conflicts involving a gang of Facebook makeup saleswomen. A local search party has been organized in an attempt to find her, but knowing that oily slut she could easily be in another country by now.

Epstein Breaks Back Into Prison to Steal Surveillance Tapes of His Own Suicide.

Obliterating claims of his demise, Jeffrey Epstein was spotted breaking back into the Metropolitan Correctional Center. An anonymous prison guard contacted me, PILLED.news field operative Jim Creek, through an astral projection. Sadly, our conversation was cut short when I detected a rancid aura approaching. In all likelihood it was deep-state psychic operatives zeroing in on our locations.