When I first came across the Soytruck on Reddit, I fell in love. And unlike Jessica in high school, I managed to take this one home without ending up with a restraining order.
PILLED.NEWS
Memorial services were held this week to mourn the loss of Jeffrey Epstein, the owner and primary resident of Little Saint James. Thousands made the pilgrimage to the beautiful archipelago to remember his legacy, partaking in services and activities including a candlelight vigil, live music performances, various religious ceremonies, and group sex.
“Roughly every sixty rounds, a reporter puts on a pound” explained Sam Weston, an agricultural scientist and professor of the University of Virginia. “But, the violence is only one aspect of, well, the violence.”
Just twenty six hours ago, PILLED.news Iran correspondents uploaded videos of tracer rounds from AA guns flying through the air, and the staccato of distant…
In the early morning hours of the third of January, a US special operations team connected to vanilla.soleimanicraft.ir, the private Minecraft server of general Soleimani. Until recently the server had been whitelisted, but intelligence agencies noticed that sometime last week the whitelist had been disabled during a login server outage. A specialized team of cyber warfare experts was assembled before the whitelist could be re-enabled, and within minutes Soleimani had been reduced to a pile of items on the sand.
Susan Rouge, an entrepreneur and single mother of two, was tragically reported missing this morning. Authorities have since stated this could be related to a series of conflicts involving a gang of Facebook makeup saleswomen. A local search party has been organized in an attempt to find her, but knowing that oily slut she could easily be in another country by now.
I feel nothing but guilt when it comes to my friend Jeffrey. I should have reached out when I saw his tweets.
Obliterating claims of his demise, Jeffrey Epstein was spotted breaking back into the Metropolitan Correctional Center. An anonymous prison guard contacted me, PILLED.news field operative Jim Creek, through an astral projection. Sadly, our conversation was cut short when I detected a rancid aura approaching. In all likelihood it was deep-state psychic operatives zeroing in on our locations.
As the economy slowly but steadily shies away from long term employees and hourly wages, economists are scrambling to fill the pages of more shitty textbooks. Barron Wuffer, union manager and renowned gig economist, claims that he has seen this coming for years, drawing inspiration from the popular adult cartoon Family Guy.