Your Grandma died. What’s the first thing you worry about? If you’re not savvy, you get hung up on how to let go of ol’ Betsy. Let me be the first to tell you: Forget about Susan. You need to worry about your bottom line.
Dead people are killing the economy. At best, most people just shove Gretchen in the dirt in the most expensive way possible, with a giant rock on top of her casket. That’s not enough to prop up America. You’re America too, so if you aren’t spending lots of money, you aren’t making any either. If you have a single patriotic bone in your body, you need to consider these 5 ways to contribute to the economy of corpses…
1. Organ Harvesting. Okay, I know I know. She died a week ago, it’s too late to get any out. But if you stay on top of things, and can figure out when they’re gonna croak, or better yet encourage them to pass at a time more convenient to you: You can make a boatload of cash. Sure, Helen didn’t have a great heart, transplant is off the table, but did you know there are people who will give you eight thousand dollars to let them eat her brain? Believe it or not, there are tons of opportunities like this just sitting there in Gramps!
2. Fertilizer. So the organs didn’t work out, that’s okay! You can still rake in the money. Nobody said she had to be in the casket when you buried it! Dear Granny loved the environment, wouldn’t you like to make her happy by grinding her up and selling her to local farmers. Make sure to mix the pulp with her favorite soil, and (as a word of advice from personal experience) don’t let the farmers know sweet Mildred’s in there. They never really get it. Actually, forget this one, I hate farmers. Don’t do this one. Do the other ones.
3. The Trade. Many Consider this to be highly illegal. But you don’t have to go about it like that. Many think that this sort of thing only goes down on the Dark Web like selling spirit-cooking baby videos, think again! It all comes down to phrasing, but it’s completely legal to advertise this on Craigslist! Plenty of people do it. You offer to let someone who some would refer to as a “necrophile” spend an hour or two alone with Mee-Maw, whatever happens between them, stays between them! It’s not just a one-time deal either, the less composed she gets, the bigger buyers will come out. You can easily make upwards of $30,000 that can later be spent on the nicest casket you’ve ever seen. Capitalism baby!
4. Multiple Funerals. If Miriam isn’t in the casket, what stops you from burying her more than once? What’s to stop you from charging admission? What’s to stop you from giving her every single beautiful novelty funeral she ever wanted, with multiple monuments and statues at all her burial sites? It’s the thought that counts right? Honestly, at this point if you don’t hold a funeral in every town for each one of her relatives so they can always have a grave of hers to visit you are a terrible person who has no respect for the dead.
5. Identity Theft. Barbara had a credit card, but she could have a lot more too. Maybe nobody official needs to know just yet. Her debts aren’t your debts unless you make a mistake signing some papers you don’t have to sign. So why not take out a loan with that pristine credit score of hers, a couple million to spend on some more funerals of course, it’s for her. You’re a good grandson. She would want you to get a nice watch, new car, and eat out at Cheesecake Factory to reward yourself a bit too.
These are just a few ideas on how you can make your Grandmother’s passing a much more fun and moving experience, instead of a whiny mope-fest. But there’s plenty more you can try! If you have any ideas, write me here at PILLED.NEWS in the comments.
What’s your favorite way to deal with the dead?
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